Monday, February 1, 2016

Dirty floors and six-pack abs

Because of homeschooling and writing at the computer, I do a lot of sitting. Which I don't like. So I try to walk on my treadmill at least every other day and on VERY RARE days I think maybe I can squeeze in time to do one of the gazillions of free fitness videos online. One of those days occurred recently.

Let's recap it, shall we?

I go to (which I highly recommend) to pick out a video. It has to be pretty short, I think. And for the abs. Yes, I need something for my abs.

After a quick search, I find an "Ab Blasting" video that's a cool 24 minutes long and I think, 'Perfect! My son plus two extras (that I'm babysitting) are playing downstairs and I can get this done before my daughter gets up from her nap or parents come for pick up.' Piece of cake, right?

I suspect I'm in trouble when three kids come up from the basement before I can even click Play and say they want to go outside. Okay. Sure. Everybody put on your snow-pants and boots. No, those boots are on the wrong foot. Whose gloves are these? Why are all the fingers inside out? No, those aren't yours. Zip, zip, snap, snap. Out the door you go.

Alright, press Play. Here we go. Yikes, they're not easing you into anything here. We start with jackknife crunches and knee tuck crunches. It feels good to be moving though. I can do this.

At nine minutes in, there's a commotion at the back door. I press Pause and go check it out. 'We want to come in,' the kids say. You're kidding me. If they were all my own kids, I would probably say, "Too bad. You're not coming in until dinner." But two of them aren't mine and I don't feel right about doing that so in they come. Coats off, boots off, unzip, unzip, unsnap, unsnap. They had been outside just long enough to get mud and snow on their boots and track it inside. Oh well. Just leave the boots on this towel and I'll deal with it later. Now go back downstairs, because baby girl is still sleeping.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, jackknife crunches. Oh wait, now we've moved on to back bow crossovers. Holy cow, these are hard. And they bring my eyes to floor level, which reveals a very dirty floor. I better sweep. No, wait. I have to finish this video first. What the heck's a Russian Twist?

The phone rings. Press Pause. It's dear hubby, calling from the store. Did I want the cranberry or raspberry Emergen-C? Cranberry, of course.

"That's what I thought," he said.

Back to the Russian Twists. These are kind of fun, but my abs are getting sore now. Only four sets left, the woman in the video assures me. Four? Four? Why does the number four make me feel like I'm forgetting something? Oh yes! I need four chicken breasts for dinner tomorrow. I'll write it down when I'm done working out. No, scratch that. I'll forget. Press Pause. Better write it down now.

Press Play again. On to Side Hip Raises and Toe Touch Drops. There's a noise on the stairs. Here comes a child. She needs to go potty. No biggie, she's old enough to take care of that on her own so I don't stop what I'm doing and she walks past into the bathroom, wondering why I'm laying on the racecar rug that doubles as an exercise mat. Ten more Toe Touch Drops.

"I need help Miss Katie!" I hear. Uh oh. Press Pause. In the bathroom, a potty stop has turned into more than that and assistance is required. No problem, just another glamorous day in the life of a mom. Press Play.

Now you want me to do a REVERSE crunch? I'm getting kind of tired here, but a strong core is important so I push through. The phone rings again. Dear hubby finally found this particular item at Wal-Mart that he's been looking for forever but he needs me to measure something to make sure he gets the right size.

"Can you take the tape measure out to the Dodge and measure the size of the trailer hitch real quick?" he asks.

Alright. Press Pause. I'm in shorts and socked feet, but I slip on his boots and his puffy green vest and go outside. Couldn't find the tape measure but I've got a red plastic ruler from my son's homeschool drawer. I hold the phone between my ear and shoulder, hoping no one will see me, and stand in the empty carport like I'm lost.

"I can't measure the Dodge," I say, still panting from the reverse crunches.

"Why not?"

"Because you drove the Dodge to the store."

Press Play. Back on my stomach on the floor for Swimmers. Swimmers are one of my least favorite ab exercises. Ugh, now that I'm down here I remember how dirty the floor is. The afternoon sun shines on the crumbs, cat hair, and muddy footprints like a floodlight. I really need to clean the floor. But I'm almost done.

My abs are burning as the video finally comes to a close. I can't wait to grab a broom and deal with the floor situation. It's been 56 minutes since I started this 24-minute video and I wonder what a 56-minute video would have been like. Before I close the online tab, the website congratulates me on burning 170 calories.

170 calories?

"That can't be right," I think, as I stretch out my weary torso and try to catch my breath. "It had to have been way more than that."

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