Top 3 Misconceptions About Fostering Babies

We've been foster parents for almost a decade now, which is hard to believe. In that time, we've learned a lot. One thing we've learned is that a lot of people have a lot of misconceptions about foster care. About how it works and what it's for and what it looks like day to day.

I could write pages and pages about this, but since we primarily foster children aged two and under, I'm going to narrow it down to the top three misconceptions about fostering babies.

1) The baby has been abandoned.

I've heard it over and over. "How could anyone abandon this sweet, innocent baby?" "How could his parents give him up?" Well, they didn't. It is extremely rare for a child in foster care to be there due to abandonment. It does happen, but the vast majority of the time, the child is removed from parents who love him and want him back as soon as possible. The vast majority of the time, they are devastated to be separated from their baby and are taking steps toward reunification.

These parents did not just decide one day to leave their child on the steps of the CPS office or drop them off at daycare and never come back. Again, that does happen, but it's very, very rare. These are broken people, not monsters. Usually. The one dad who used his son's arms and legs to put out his cigarettes, however...

2) The baby is too young to remember.

I wish this was true. I really do. But anyone who's had any training in how trauma affects development knows that even if a baby has no concrete memory of being taken from their parent, their body remembers. I think what people really mean when they say, "At least he's too young to remember," is that they think he won't have any lingering effects. Won't struggle with behavioral or developmental issues. Won't be scarred for life.

Again, I wish that was true.

Kids and babies are resilient, sometimes almost miraculously so, but they never escape foster care unscathed. Even a baby who comes to me as a newborn, straight from the hospital, carries loss and grief with him. He also carries the effects of however his mother's life affected him in the womb, which--spoiler alert--we can assume was probably in a negative way if he had to be removed at birth. Whatever drugs, violence, neglect, or trauma occurred in the mother's life during pregnancy...guess what? He carries that with him to my house. The 8-month-old whose grandmother hit his head against the hardwood floor whenever he cried...guess what? He freaked out whenever I tried to put him down on the floor.

He may not "remember" everything that happened to him. But he does.

3) A baby is easier to foster than an older child.

Different? Yes. Easier? No. All kids who have the misfortune of ending up in foster care have challenges to overcome, regardless of their age, and caring for them is always going to be challenging. But the challenges tend to be different depending on the age.

For example, one of the hardest parts for all ages is parent visits. Let's say the child visits their parents for two hours twice a week (Or whatever schedule the state decides. The foster parent has no say in it.). If it's an older child, he has to deal with sorting through his feelings, wondering why the parents haven't gotten him back yet. Disappointment or anger if the parent doesn't show up. Confusion if a parent says something that is different than what other people are telling him. The child has to sort through all that.

A baby, on the other hand, will never know if a visit is cancelled last minute. But they also are not able to understand why they keep going back and forth. You can't explain it to them. And if he's a 13-month-old who doesn't want to go to the visit, and he clings to you when you try to drop him off and he screams "No! No!" but you leave him there anyway...you can't explain to him that the visits are required by law and that you're sorry. So very sorry.

In fact, you can't explain anything to a baby, and they can't explain to you why they wake up three times a night but won't take a bottle or what their nightmares are about when they scream in panic. Sometimes, I wonder if fostering babies is actually harder than older children because when an older child leaves to return to their parent or another family member, you can say, "I'll miss you, I'll never forget you, here's a photo book I made for you, here's my phone number if you ever need anything, I will always be here for you." But when a baby leaves, you can only hope and pray he won't feel betrayed and that his family won't throw the photo book in the trash.

So no, a baby isn't easier to foster than an older child. There is no easy in foster care, no winners, and perhaps that is the biggest misconception of all.

Image by congerdesign from Pixabay

In my dreams

Sometimes, I dream about them. The little ones I fed and diapered and kissed and snuggled and dressed for months, sometimes years, and then handed over to someone else. They show up in the middle of the night and I watch them playing or crying or maybe they're in a highchair or a carseat and I reach for them and say "Auntie's here" but they don't know me. They don't remember me. I want to touch their sweet little faces and kiss the tops of their heads, but they pull away.

And then I wake up.

Do you know what this feels like? It feels like pain...and peace. Because I want them to forget me. I don't want them to remember anything from their time in foster care except the feeling they were loved and wanted. But I also want to hold them. I want my presence to bring them comfort and joy like it once did, when they were here. 

The dreams haunt me. They bring memories flooding back, and no matter how many babies have come and gone I still remember how each one felt leaned against my shoulder. I still remember the face they made when they were about to cry. I still remember them needing me.

But they don't anymore. And I'm glad. But it also hurts.

Waking up from one of these dreams leaves me disoriented at first, and emotional. I'm stuck thinking about the past and wondering how those babies are doing and praying they are happy and protected. I ask God to please please please fill their hearts with His love and truth. Please, Lord, please hold them forever in your hands.

And then I remember the child who is here now. The baby who needs me now. So I tuck the memories away, of babies gone but never quite forgotten, and pick up the little one who is here today and say, "Auntie's here."

3 Things Foster Parents Wish You Knew

We've been foster parents for about seven years now, which sometimes feels like forever and sometimes feels like no time at all. I'm sure you know how that goes. We've learned a lot, laughed a lot, cried a lot. Said hello and goodbye a lot. I can't say it's been easy and wonderful, but we have no doubt it's been worthwhile.

About a dozen foster children have come through our home--some have stayed for 48 hours and some for 2 years--and it's starting to feel like a natural part of our life. However, we try to remember that it's not natural to other people. People who aren't involved in the foster care system typically don't know how it works or what it's like, and they often have a lot of comments and questions. We don't mind talking about foster care, but sometimes, if I'm being honest...it can get a little overwhelming. We're already dealing with a lot, you know?

So, here are three things we wish other people knew.

1) Yes, we do get "too attached."

The most common thing we hear is: "Don't you get too attached?", "I could never do that, I'd get too attached", "Aren't you worried about getting too attached?" or some other variation. The truth is, yes, we do get very attached. But how attached is "too attached"? For a traumatized child, there's only "attached" or "not attached," and if they're not...that's not a good thing. The ability to form attachments is an incredibly beneficial life skill that will trigger either positive or negative repercussions throughout the rest of the child's life. 

So, attachment is a good thing, and I think maybe people tend to look at attachment from the wrong angle. If being "too attached" means caring about a child so much that it hurts like hell to let them go, then shouldn't every parent--foster or otherwise--be "too attached"?

What to say instead: Thank you for doing this really hard job. I'm glad he has someone to love him. Here's a brownie.

2) No, we don't know "how long it'll be."

I understand the question. I really do. You wonder how long this new placement is going to be with us. But the answer is always "We don't know." Always. It's very rare to have a timeframe of any kind, and even when there is one, it's never set it stone. There are too many factors and variables and unknowns. And at the end of the day, does it matter? The child is here with us today. He'll probably be here tomorrow. That's all we know for sure. And that's enough.

What to ask instead: Do you have everything you need? What can I pick up for you from Costco? When can I babysit or drop off brownies?

3) We're the lucky ones.

People take one look at the new baby in our arms and gush about how cute he is and say, "Oh, he's so lucky to have you." The truth is, though...there's nothing lucky about his situation. In order for a child to be in foster care, a long string of unfortunate events must have occurred. Foster care is just us trying to make the best of a really bad situation. Yes, it's good there are people available to take kids in so they're not left fending for themselves or living in a hotel or in the social worker's office, but every child deserves a home. Every child. So a foster baby in my care is not "lucky," he is merely receiving the bare minimum of what he already should have had.

We are the ones who have the good fortune of spending time with a child who brings love, laughter, growth, and perspective to our days. He brings hard things too, but at the end of the day, us having him around is a privilege. Not the other way around.

What to say instead: You're so lucky. He seems happy with you. I hope everyone's adjusting well. This plate of brownies is still warm.