Invisible

I read an interesting article called "Why High-Functioning Autism is so Challenging." The article talked about how people with high-functioning autism "pass for normal" in most situations, until a situation comes along where their responses are not "normal," and people around them often end up surprised or upset.

In other words, people with high-functioning autism appear to be like everyone else - until they don't.

So how do you parent a child like that? Maybe it's autism, or maybe it's one of a hundred other invisible challenges, such as SPD, Asperger's, TBI, epilepsy, RAD, PTSD, anxiety, or something the doctors don't even have a diagnosis for. Maybe it's debilitating headaches with no known cause. Maybe it's hypersensitivity to sugar or red dye 40 or a potentially fatal allergy to peanuts.

All invisible from the outside.

How does a parent meet such a child's needs, set them up for success, and get the world to accept them for who they are when everyone else sees a "normal" child who should be able to do everything the same as every other John or Jane Doe on the block?

I wish I knew.

When our daughter joined our family, she was 17 months old. Many people perk up when they hear this because they assume her transition must've been easy since she was so young. She'll never remember her life before. She was basically a blank slate when she arrived.

What those same people often don't realize is that the first year and a half of life - the year and a half that we missed - are the most crucial for brain development. If trauma, abuse, neglect, malnourishment, etc. occur during that first year and a half, it can have a long-lasting negative impact on a child's brain. It can cause a child who appears healthy and "normal" on the outside to struggle with dysregulation on the inside.

Did you know that? I didn't. Not until we began our adoption process and had to start reading books and taking training classes about common challenges adopted kids face. But I know a lot about it now.

And I'm not the only one.

There are thousands of parents out there (many of them adoptive or foster parents) struggling to parent a dysregulated child. They want their child to be treated the same as everyone else, but they also break into a sweat when little Johnny is invited to a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese. Because they've seen that movie before. The one where little Johnny gets overstimulated in a public place, has a meltdown, and doesn't sleep for three days.

These parents often feel alone, and don't ask me how I know. When they succeed at controlling their child's environment and schedule so as to minimize opportunities for problems, they are seen as overbearing. When they fail, others say they need to "discipline more." Part of them wants everyone to keep believing their child is "normal" for as long as possible, but another part wonders...what does normal mean anyway?

What if society at large, and the church - God's hands and feet in the world - in particular, could come around families like this and turn invisible challenges into visible support? What would that look like? Maybe a good place to start is the same place we should start when facing just about any challenge: with knowledge and compassion.

KNOWLEDGE: Knowledge means to learn! Learn about a dysregulated child's needs. Learn about their triggers. Is it noise? Sugar? Unexpected transitions? Men with beards? It could be anything. I know of a child whose entire day can be derailed by anything resembling an octopus because of a traumatic experience. It might sound funny, but a terrified child is no laughing matter. Learn how you can make their day at school easier, or what you can do to bring out the best in them. Learn how you can support their parents.

COMPASSION: Instead of jumping to conclusions and condemning a child and/or their parents, try putting yourself in their shoes. Ask yourself, "Could there be a reason for that behavior that I don't know about?" "Could there be a reason for that parenting strategy that I don't know about?"

I'm ashamed to tell you this, but I was quick to judge the parents of kids with invisible challenges...until I became one. Now I spend my days redefining what "normal" means in my life and desiring to be the kind of person who is sensitive to the needs of others. Because everyone is struggling with something.

And it might be something invisible.