About a dozen foster children have come through our home--some have stayed for 48 hours and some for 2 years--and it's starting to feel like a natural part of our life. However, we try to remember that it's not natural to other people. People who aren't involved in the foster care system typically don't know how it works or what it's like, and they often have a lot of comments and questions. We don't mind talking about foster care, but sometimes, if I'm being honest...it can get a little overwhelming. We're already dealing with a lot, you know?
So, here are three things we wish other people knew.
1) Yes, we do get "too attached."
The most common thing we hear is: "Don't you get too attached?", "I could never do that, I'd get too attached", "Aren't you worried about getting too attached?" or some other variation. The truth is, yes, we do get very attached. But how attached is "too attached"? For a traumatized child, there's only "attached" or "not attached," and if they're not...that's not a good thing. The ability to form attachments is an incredibly beneficial life skill that will trigger either positive or negative repercussions throughout the rest of the child's life.
So, attachment is a good thing, and I think maybe people tend to look at attachment from the wrong angle. If being "too attached" means caring about a child so much that it hurts like hell to let them go, then shouldn't every parent--foster or otherwise--be "too attached"?
What to say instead: Thank you for doing this really hard job. I'm glad he has someone to love him. Here's a brownie.
2) No, we don't know "how long it'll be."
I understand the question. I really do. You wonder how long this new placement is going to be with us. But the answer is always "We don't know." Always. It's very rare to have a timeframe of any kind, and even when there is one, it's never set it stone. There are too many factors and variables and unknowns. And at the end of the day, does it matter? The child is here with us today. He'll probably be here tomorrow. That's all we know for sure. And that's enough.
What to ask instead: Do you have everything you need? What can I pick up for you from Costco? When can I babysit or drop off brownies?
3) We're the lucky ones.
People take one look at the new baby in our arms and gush about how cute he is and say, "Oh, he's so lucky to have you." The truth is, though...there's nothing lucky about his situation. In order for a child to be in foster care, a long string of unfortunate events must have occurred. Foster care is just us trying to make the best of a really bad situation. Yes, it's good there are people available to take kids in so they're not left fending for themselves or living in a hotel or in the social worker's office, but every child deserves a home. Every child. So a foster baby in my care is not "lucky," he is merely receiving the bare minimum of what he already should have had.
We are the ones who have the good fortune of spending time with a child who brings love, laughter, growth, and perspective to our days. He brings hard things too, but at the end of the day, us having him around is a privilege. Not the other way around.
What to say instead: You're so lucky. He seems happy with you. I hope everyone's adjusting well. This plate of brownies is still warm.
